


The Test

by goblin



Category: Askewniverse, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Bisexuality, Car Sex, Coats, Crossover, Jealousy, M/M, Slash, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-12-02
Updated: 2001-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-03 09:42:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/380020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblin/pseuds/goblin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You take a guy home, shag him, and see how your friend reacts. Simple."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Test

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Kevin Smith, Miramax and View Askew own Jay and Silent Bob. Joss Whedon, WB and Mutant Enemy own Spike, Angel, Drusilla, Buffy, and Spike's car. I earn no money from this sordid pursuit.
> 
> WARNINGS: Coarse language, implied m/m sex, Scary-Eyed Bob, inappropriate pet-names, drink-driving.
> 
> NOTES: Spike has been chipped by the Initiative, and instead of staying in Sunnydale, leaves for a road trip across America. Takes place after the Buffy episode "The I In Team" and the Askewniverse movie "Dogma". The year is 1999.

Flick. 

"Shit."

Flick. 

Still not working. "Fuck!"

Flick. 

"Urrhnnngh!" In frustration, Jay threw the lighter across the alleyway. It hit the opposite wall and clattered to the ground. "Cheap fuckin' piece of plastic." 

He sighed, and let the unlit cigarette hang forlornly from his fingers. Shit of a night. Fuckin' shit of a night. Came to the bar to get away from Bob, went out the back to get away from the bar, shit, he didn't know what he wanted, other than a cigarette. And maybe more alcohol. 

"Need a light, mate?"

Jay jumped. "Where the fuck you come from?"

The man gave a lazy smile. "The pub," he said, gesturing to the bar's back door beside him.

"Place is a fuckin' hole," muttered Jay, placing the cigarette back between his lips. "Ain't been new blood there for weeks."

"Hard to get it fresh," said the guy, noting Jay's paleness and gauntness and coming to a few conclusions. He got out his own lighter and flicked it alight easily.

Slightly unnerved by the man's last comment, Jay nevertheless turned a little to face him so he could step in close to light Jay's cigarette. Jay stared at sharp cheekbones and gave the mental pictures that formed a few seconds before he banished them and denied to himself they had ever entered his drunken thoughts in the first place.

The guy stepped away and leant back against the wall, lighting a cigarette of his own. "Name's Spike, by the way."

"Jay."

The way Spike's lip quirked up at the edge brought Jay's overactive imagination into play once more.

Fuck. Not allowed to think that way. Not about guys. Only girls. Girls girls girls girls tits asses tits tits pussy tits tits.

Jay continued his mantra as he looked at Spike. Tits tits tits tits (short bleached blond hair) tits pussy pussy tits tits (docs) girls girls girls tits girls (black jeans) tits tits pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy (long black... coat...)

Shit. This was just what Jay was trying to get away from, a coat-wearing motherfucker who all the chicks in the world couldn't distract him from forever. 

On the other hand, he was distracted from that silent-assed fuck now. A good thing. A very good thing. 

Jay decided to keep the conversation going. Maybe get more distracted yet. 

"Where you from?" he asked, watching the smoke that twisted from Spike's mouth.

"Sunnydale," said Spike.

"I didn't think they had sun in England," said Jay.

"Sunnydale isn't in England, it's in California," said Spike patiently. "It's where the Hellmouth is."

"Hellmouth?" said Jay, startled.

"You know, big scary portal, people like us are attracted to it, occasionally opens and spews forth unspeakable horrors?"

"Uh, sure," said Jay, feeling somewhat out of his depth. "So... why'd you leave then?"

"I was pissed off."

"Yeah? Who at?"

Spike snorted. "Who am I not pissed off at?" he said. "The Slayer, for a start, and her bloody Scooby gang."

Jay began to wonder if he had actually gotten stoned earlier and had somehow forgotten. "Slayer?" he asked.

"Haven't you ever heard of Buffy? The Vampire Slayer?"

"Vampire Slayer?? What the fuck is this shit? Why don't I know about this? Why should I know about this??"

"Well, as a vampire, it's pretty important for you to know about the bleedin' Slayer. Christ, didn't your sire teach you anything?"

It was lucky Jay had his cigarette between his fingers and not between his lips right then. Otherwise it would have dropped to the ground when Jay's mouth hung open in complete and utter shock.

_"VAMPIRE???"_

Spike's far-from-sober brain finally realised that there was something seriously wrong here. He looked at Jay, frowned, and said, "You're _not_ a vampire?"

"No!"

"Damn." Spike's brow furrowed. "My mistake. Let's just forget this whole conversation, shall we?"

"No, we fucking shall not!" said Jay. Then, abruptly, his mood shifted from outrage to extreme caution. He took a step back. "Are you a vampire?" he asked softly.

"Uh - no," said Spike shiftily. "Not at all. I just... thought you might be one." He thought for a moment. "You can never be too careful," he added. 

"You were talkin' about _blood_ before." 

"You never know when supernatural beings might, er, jump out! And - scare you."

"Oh my god, you are _so_ the undead," said Jay, in awe.

"And... do... scary... things - "

"If you kill me, I swear my Muscle, Silent Bob, he'll come and stake your ass so hard you - "

"Okay, okay, I'm a sodding vampire!" said Spike, giving up the lame excuses. "Now quit it and give me a break, would you?"

Jay gave him a break.

Because Jay had met someone who was dead before, he wasn't too phased, and because he was Jay, he was unable to remain silent for any significant period of time. 

Consequently, that break lasted about five seconds.

"Can you turn into a bat and fly away?" asked Jay excitedly. "D'you sleep in a coffin? D'you live in a castle with a hunchbacked servant and shit? Are you gonna bite me? Are you gonna suck my blood and then make me suck your blood so I turn into your vampire sex slave??"

 _"No,"_ said Spike angrily. 

"Oh, what, so you're just gonna kill me. Fuck, I knew you was an asshole - "

"No, I'm not going to kill you either," said Spike, sounding resigned this time.

" - I mean, I don't want to be your gay fuckin' sex slave or nothin', but it'd sure beat being dead - you _ain't_ gonna kill me??"

"Would if I could," said Spike. "But these bleedin' soldier boys put a chip in my head, and now I _can't_ kill. I can't feed, I can't punch people, I can't bite. Even a little nibble, and BAM. Bolt of electricity through my brain."

"What a bitch," said Jay, not thinking about what it meant that he was sympathising with a vampire.

"Tell me about it. I can't fight Buffy anymore, I can't go find Dru 'cos she'd just laugh to see me like this." Spike brooded for a moment, appropriately enough about someone who counted brooding among his favourite activities. "Not to mention Angel. I can just imagine what he'd have to say..."

"Okay, hang on," said Jay, "who the fuck are all these people?"

Spike counted them off on his fingers. "Buffy is the Slayer. Kills vampires. Bloody annoying blonde chit who ruins everyone's fun."

Jay nodded. Got that down.

"Dru is the former love of my unlife. Gorgeous; insane; has now left me for a fungus demon."

"Fungus? That's harsh."

"Angel is my sire, which means he made me a vampire, and no, I did not turn into his sex slave." A pause. "Much."

"Much? What the fuck does that mean, you blow him once a week and every so often when you fuck he lets you top?"

Spike considered a moment, then shrugged. "Pretty much. Well, sometimes he'd pull that alpha male dominant 'you are my property' thing, but other days he'd come up to me and put a hand on either side of my face and say, 'Spike - we're equal, you and me. Don't you ever think otherwise.' Course, ten minutes later he'd be ordering me about again, but the sentiment was nice."

Jay's brain was still processing earlier information. "So... so it was all Anne Rice and shit, you got turned into a vampire and you turned gay?"

"God no," said Spike, smiling. "I just got over my fear of not being straight."

"See, this is what I don't get," said Jay. "I... 'kay. Get this. I have boned heaps of fine-assed bitches, and never once did I think, fuck I wish I was with a guy right now."

Emboldened by Spike's easy disclosure, Jay plunged ahead. "But... well, sometimes I think about guys. Or I dream about 'em, or whatever... and I ain't ever done shit with a guy, like I ever would. But then I think maybe... maybe it ain't such a bad idea. I mean, fuck, isn't this the age of tolerance or some such shit? Maybe people don't give a fuck anymore. Maybe if I was to go out and pick up some guy, and take him back to my joint and nail him, hell, I gets laid, he gets laid, nobody cares, everybody's happy."

Jay paused a moment, considering. "But... uh. Silent Bob wouldn't be happy."

"Silent Bob?" prompted Spike.

"My best friend," explained Jay. "I live with him. Silent Bob doesn't get it, I don't think. Oh, so he's straight as a ruler up a nun's ass, he wouldn't get how I could be all about the clam _and_ all about the pole. I mean, shit, he'd be... he'd be mad if I brought some guy home."

"You sure about that?"

"No," admitted Jay. "Maybe he wouldn't give two shits. I mean, I bring chicks home sometimes and he doesn't care. Fuck, sometimes I send her over to him afterwards. But I couldn't do that with a guy, could I, huh? And I couldn't tell him all about it afterwards, he'd hurl up his goddamn breakfast."

"Well," said Spike. "There's only one way to find out."

Jay looked at him cautiously. "There is?"

"You take a guy home, shag him, and see how your friend reacts. Simple."

"What, you volunteering?" said Jay half-scornfully.

Spike looked him in the eye. "Want me to?"

For several paralysed seconds, Jay was torn. 

He realised he must have made his decision when he discovered his head was nodding of its own accord.

Spike grinned. "Okay."

"Okay?" Jay almost couldn't believe his ears.

"I'm volunteering," said Spike. "Take me home. Fuck me silly. Test your friend. I'm leaving town tonight, so I'll be out of your way in no time. None of that staying the night bollocks."

Jay's smile widened. "Fucking guys kicks ass," he said. 

But then his smile disappeared as he realised something. "Shit. We missed the last bus. It'll take fuckin' _ages_ to walk, and taxis are so fuckin' expensive - " 

"I've got a car," said Spike.

Jay stared at him in wonderment. "Baby," he said, "you are too good to be true."

* * *

"WOOOOOOOH!!!" Jay screamed out the car window as the wind whipped his hair horizontally out behind him. Spike, being dead, had no qualms about reckless driving. He grinned wickedly at Jay and accelerated again.

* * *

Mmm... yeah... Spike. Car. Now.

What had he ever worried about? Making out with a guy fucking rocked.

He pulled himself away from Spike's lips for a second. "Hey, uh, how 'bout we forget going inside?" said Jay, breathing heavily. "This is an awesome car. I would love to fuck in this car."

"The idea has appeal," said Spike, "but... then you'll never find out if your roommate passes the test."

Jay looked suddenly vulnerable.

"Pet," said Spike, "if he's really your friend, he'll be fine with the whole thing."

Jay's face lit up. "Did you just call me _pet?"_

* * *

"Spike, Silent Bob. Silent Bob, Spike."

"Hi," said Spike, giving Bob a little wave with the hand that wasn't around Jay's waist. 

Bob stood stock still and said nothing back. His eyes were hard and glittering. 

There was a moment's awkward pause, while the violent and rapid dismemberment of Spike played itself out several times over behind Bob's eyelids.

Spike broke the silence. "Shall we?" he said to Jay brightly.

"'Kay," said Jay. "See you in a bit, Lunchbox."

Silent Bob watched them walk into Jay's room with their arms around each other's waists, and let his imagination be as cruel as it wanted to.

* * *

"You want him, don't you," whispered Spike as he laid Jay down on the bed.

Jay looked shocked. "No!"

"You want to run your fingers through his hair..." Spike ran his fingers through Jay's hair. "...and kiss his neck..." Spike went to kiss Jay's neck.

"Don't bite me," warned Jay, pulling back suddenly. 

"Peaches, if I tried it'd hurt me more than it'd hurt you."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "Peaches?"

Spike shrugged. "Always worked for Angel. Hmm..." His eyes unfocused as he kissed Jay's jawline. "Last time I saw him I was a complete prick. I really should go to LA and see if I can't find a way of making him shag me."

"Hey, stop thinkin' 'bout this other guy - I'm the one you're lying on top of!"

Spike looked at him with half-closed eyes. "Oh, come on. I _know_ you're thinking about your friend in the next room."

Jay gave an exasperated sigh, and said, "Would you just fuck me already?"

* * *

"Uhhh! UnnHH!! _Oh_ yeah, yeahhhh..."

There was no mistaking what was going on in Jay's room. 

"Come _on_ , baby..."

What the fuck _was_ this, some kind of torture? Jay bringing some guy home, and audibly fucking him while Bob was forced to listen from the next room?

And was that a _growl_ he just heard?

Bob wanted to pace back and forth, but didn't. He, unlike Jay, knew that unnecessary movement solves nothing.

He was also concerned that if he moved, he might find himself suddenly wielding a sharp instrument.

* * *

Bob watched in horror as Jay and Spike emerged looking entirely satisfied, and engaged in casual chit-chat for several minutes before Spike said he should probably leave. 

"Gotta be away before sunrise," he said.

"Goin' back to California then?"

"Yeah," said Spike, beginning to walk out onto the street. "Sod getting to the other side of America, I've come far enough."

Jay smirked. "Say hi to Angel for me," he called.

Spike laughed as he walked away.

Bob closed the door, then turned to Jay and _stared_. 

"So, uh, whatcha think of him?" said Jay, stalling for time.

Bob gave a minute shrug, then stared some more, wanting answers.

"What's your problem?" said Jay, resorting to anger when he didn't know what other emotion to decide on. "You know I think about guys when I jerk off sometimes. So I actually boned one for once. What's the fuckin' difference? More sex is a good thing, whether it's a girl or a guy I'm fucking."

A trace of matching anger crossed Bob's otherwise blank features. Then he turned on his heel and walked away, away from Jay, away from temptation, away from confusion, towards the safety and boredom of his bedroom. 

"Fuck, I knew it," Jay was saying behind him. "I knew it, but I still had to test you. I _knew_ you wouldn't be able to deal with anything a little _different_. Jay the cock-smoker, Jay the fuckin' fag - you must be so disgusted."

Bob whirled around and began to walk right back towards Jay, fast. "You know what I'm disgusted with?" he said, his voice stretched thin with tension. "That you had to go out and find some random guy and bring him home to fuck..." He stopped two inches away from Jay's face. "... when you could have had _me_."

Bob could see the whites of Jay's wide-open eyes, and a tiny glimpse of tongue in the little 'o' formed by Jay's mouth.

He could also see that Jay was trembling.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Jay whispered.

"Jay." Bob's expression softened. "I _never_ say anything."

And with that he leaned forward and kissed Jay. 

Jay only remained motionless for a second.


End file.
